


i chose to feel it and you

by timber (calculus)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Male Friendship, Post-Band, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 13:16:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17529434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calculus/pseuds/timber
Summary: post-krisis:Life goes on.





	i chose to feel it and you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chiharu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiharu/gifts).



> written originally for a krishan fic exchange back in 2014-5 (?), but i thought it would be nice to just have archived.

Yifan’s a little amused.

The reporter standing next to them keeps asking for them elaborate on their performances for the Gala, and Lu Han’s the poor sod who keeps getting the microphone shoved into his clammy hands. He gives a noncommittal answer, just to watch Lu Han sweat on live camera, feeling the same sort of detached amusement from William on his left.

Lu Han shoots him quick glances between questions, alternating between his namesake deer-in-the-headlights expression of terror and scathing promise of retribution for leaving him to the sharks. It’s a wonder Lu Han ever made it out of the Korean entertainment industry alive and dove straight into the even larger Chinese industry, given how clammed-up he still gets in front of a camera. Yifan affects a polite aloofness for the most of the interview towards both his companions, but he still catches the way Lu Han holds himself up tightly, grasping his fingers in front of himself like a prayer.

It brings Yifan back to their debut days during their first few Sina interviews, and he’s hard-pressed to keep from laughing on camera; his face only twitches a little, thankfully. Lu Han’s shoulder jerks minutely, the only indication of him catching Yifan’s mirth. If he weren’t so frozen by being broadcasted live to the millions of their fellow countrymen, Yifan thinks Lu Han probably would’ve stomped heavily on his feet.

When the reporter presses the mic to Lu Han’s hands and urges him to interview the other two, Yifan lets the grin he’s been sitting on slide out, curling his lips up in that slight schadenfreude way that only ever comes out when he can tell Lu Han’s in mild distress. Lu Han twitches his eye but smiles gamely and goes along with the play, giving William an exasperated micro-expression when he decides to join in on the teasing.

“I hope you continue to work hard to further your career as a reporter,” Yifan says cheekily, and Lu Han’s comfortable enough when Yifan’s the one needling him, even on camera, that he lets go of his expression and widens his eyes threateningly with a sharp grin before reigning it back in.

When they finally escape the reporter and the looming broadcast camera, Lu Han sneaks an elbow jab at Yifan’s ribs and a subtle shin kick before they hop back onto the stage for rehearsal.

Yifan thinks it’s a small price to pay for how quickly Lu Han’s reverting to their old relationship. Even if his kicks do hurt like a bitch.

 

* * *

 

The day the video of him and Lu Han walking out of rehearsals leak out, Yifan’s weibo and instagram gets bombarded with comments from his fans and his phone blows up with calls from sasaengs and old friends from the life he’d mostly shed off. He’s not surprised that it gets so much attention, knows that the tenuous relationship between him and his former bandmates has a furious point of contention since the news of his lawsuit had first dropped. Maybe it’s a little gratifying to see that people still care so much about his friendships, but mostly, it’s been an uphill road to shake off the mention of his old group and forge his identity as a separate entity, as solely Wu Yifan.

Lu Han’s subsequent exit from their group had stirred back up all the rumors and fingerpointing that had only started to die after months and months of endurance. Not an interview went by without an opportunistic reporter asking him about a possible reunion, and Yifan started taking antacids just to deal with the churn of his stomach that clenched up further and further the more they asked.

Of the members, the four Chinese members of EXO had stuck together the most, not out of any sort of real sense of friendship, but for protection and familiarity. The day the Happy Camp episode came out with their appearance post-Kris, Yifan had been in the middle of shooting for his debut movie, but his phone blew up with so many texts anyway that he didn’t actually need to watch the taping. (He did anyway, that night, stealing away his manager’s laptop so he could watch the hastily streamed episode while on break from shooting.)

He doesn’t feel the guilt that everyone says he should be feeling, for leaving his members all in a lurch, without word or goodbye, but it’s hard to sit comfortably in face of Yixing’s actual tears and the mulish expressions of the K members. Zitao’s always been the crybaby of them all, but it was Lu Han’s face that struck him. Their relationship was the weakest of the four, Yixing having known Yifan longest and Zitao having imprinted onto him as an older brother figure. It left Lu Han a little at odds with Yifan, unsure of how to properly click together.

Lu Han had comforted the kids on the show, put a sympathetic hand on Yixing’s shaking shoulders, and agreed with the others about the betrayal it had been for Yifan to leave them all, but what Yifan remembered most was the tightness in his eyes. The haunted—hunted—hollowness, sunken in the bags underneath, alongside the rest of the exhaustion that had racked the entire group, even through all the makeup caked on them. For all that Lu Han had agreed on that taping that Kris had done them a huge disservice, Yifan could only see a resigned understanding in his frame.

Yifan doesn’t have a lot of regrets, but at that moment, he had the brief wish that he might’ve talked to them one last time.

 

* * *

 

For all that the media kept talking about their eventual reunion, Yifan only actually saw Lu Han a few days before they were confirmed to perform for the Spring Gala together for the first time. Lu Han kept to mostly his hometown after he came back into the mother country, only going to the other parts of China for the release of his movie, and Yifan had been entirely too busy with shootings for _Lao Pao Er_ in between press releases for _Somewhere Only We Know_ to pay it more than cursory attention. And in the little free time that he had, Yifan could only deliberate on the issue, hedging on whether or not to call or leave a message.

It’s Lu Han who sticks out the metaphorical olive branch, in the end. Though, not so much as sticking as it was brandishing it heavily in Yifan’s face, if he were to really get into the expression.

The ass leaves a text message, of all things, and Yifan’s left bemused that Lu Han never changed his phone number and reminded of the cutesy name that Lu Han had changed his contact name to when he’d swiped Yifan’s phone before. Then, he actually reads the texts and has to laugh because how else would Lu Han act.

> **han✩han** _02:15AM_  
>  what is that monstrosity on ur neck
> 
> **han✩han** _02:15AM_  
>  how off key do u need to be
> 
> **han✩han** _02:16AM_  
>  u need 2 shape up wu yifan
> 
> **han✩han** _02:16AM_  
>  the whole of china is crying from ur bad singing
> 
> **han✩han** _02:16AM_  
>  john legend did not die for u 2 mangle his song like this

Yifan cracks a smile when he texts back, fingering the turtleneck on his throat in faint amusement. It’s not like Lu Han’s really one to talk with all the Valentino shirts he’s been parading around the airports.

> **fan of the galaxy** _03:40AM_  
>  john legend’s not dead you idiot  
>  and i looked Hot in this turtleneck  
>  likun jie said so

The response is immediate, a little surprising since Yifan was sure Lu Han had no activities that day for him to be up so late. But, then again, Lu Han had always been one of the members to sacrifice what precious little sleep they got for time on the internet; it never did well for his growing eyebags.

> **han✩han** _03:41AM_  
>  i’m sure he probably did after hearing how bad u butchered up his song  
>  and she said that out of /pity/

Yifan rolls his eyes and pockets his phone, settling back into the seat of the car. His manager catches his eye through a quick glance at the rearview mirror and dryly asks, “Something funny happen?” 

He shakes his head and turns to lean against the window, closing his eyes for a quick nap. Inside his jacket, his phone buzzes once more, but it isn’t until he reaches home and takes it out to charge that he sees what the message was.

> **han✩han** _03:43AM_  
>  u did good tho  
>  congratulations

 

* * *

 

When Lu Han sings in public for the first time at the release of _Back to 20_ , Yifan makes sure to keep his phone ready. Lu Han’s overzealous fans do not disappoint, uploading a cut of the performance almost immediately after it’s done, and Yifan takes the chance to watch it while getting touched up by the stylists for another scene for Lao Pao Er’s shooting. 

He sends a text immediately after he finishes watching, hurrying over the buttons because the stylist jie fixing his brows is about done.

> **fan of the galaxy** _21:15PM_  
>  it’s been 3 yrs since we debuted u still can’t sing w/o shaking  
>  ur lu han prince of china  
>  get a hold of urself

He gets off the chair, harassed by the assistant PA to get onto the set, but he hesitates for a moment before shooting off another text. Then he hands off his phone to his manager and goes.

> **fan of the galaxy** _21:17PM_  
>  加油，鹿晗！我是你的凡fan!!!! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

He’s not free until hours later when he’s about to collapse onto his bed from the long day, and only the ominous beep of his phone battery reminds him to plug it in and check his messages for the day. There’s a couple from Likun-jie and Chao-ge and Kevin and his mother, which Yifan answers immediately, and three from Lu Han, probably sent after his event ended.

> **han✩han** _01:20AM_  
>  fuck u
> 
> **han✩han** _01:20AM_  
>  as crown prince i banish u from this country  
>  nvr show ur face again
> 
> **han✩han** _01:30AM_  
>  thanks

He can hear the begrudging tone of voice so clearly, the petulance and the accompanying roll of eyes as Lu Han bites back the ready insult and goes for an ungracious acceptance of Yifan’s dubious compliment instead. Yifan smirks and ignores the voice in head that sounds awfully like his exasperated mother, telling him to stop pulling on Lu Han’s pigtails, sending off a reply before setting his phone down and heading off to bed.

> **fan of the galaxy** _04:05AM_  
>  luhan-ssi hwaiting!!!! 아자 아자!!!

It feels like they’re slowly circling around each other, steadily drawing closer and closer to each other as each day passes. Award shows come and go, and Yifan comes close to meeting Lu Han face-to-face again, but it doesn’t stick. If Yifan were at all inclined to believe in a thing like fate, this would probably seem like a sign to him that they weren’t ready just yet. But really, it’s more like management just wants to make the reunion as dramatic as possible so that they can profit as much as possible from their broken-hearted fans.

Yifan doesn’t much care, all things considered. He’ll see Lu Han when it happens, and beside the fact, they’ve been in touch for a while now, so it’s not like it wasn’t ever going to happen. And if he feels a little bit relieved each time he almost meets Lu Han but doesn’t, that’s his own business.

 

* * *

 

In the end, the meeting is simple, anticlimactic as everything else in Yifan’s life tends to be. They’re both in Beijing, Lu Han doing a shoot for a magazine and Yifan for a press release and a joint shoot with Sophia for his upcoming movie release, but Yifan pays it no mind. Beijing’s a huge city, and they’ve brushed by each other before without actually meeting. This time isn’t going to be any different. (Except it is.)

Yifan goes out for a quick coffee run, in the precious few hours between the press release and the shoot. After this will be a fitting for his suits for the upcoming openings, so he needs as much energy as possible to get through the days. He dons on a mask and a quick beanie to hide his impossible bleached white hair and assures his manager that he’ll be back within the hour. It’d be quicker to drive, all things considered, but Yifan’s slowly stretching out of his skin, feeling too itchy and tight under the little space he’s been given for the past few weeks.

He finds a nearby Starbucks after a while, and heaves a satisfied huff as he enters the store and breathes in the smell of burnt espresso and brewing tea. There isn’t too big of a line, and he queues up immediately, fingering the wallet in his jacket pocket for assurance. There’s a moptop of teased brown hair in front of him, and Yifan idly waits until it’s just the person in front of him to focus on the registers.

And then, the person speaks and Yifan stops breathing.

“One tall iced Americano, please,” says Lu Han politely, and hands over a credit card casually as the cashier rings him up without fanfare, like they’re used to him visiting. Yifan blinks and holds himself still, waiting for the minute Lu Han turns around.

“Sir? Can I take your order?” the cashier asks, confused, breaking through the tension and Yifan twitches a rueful smile. He looks away from Lu Han, who doesn’t seem to notice him still, to step up to the counter. Trust him to have such an overly dramatic imagination.

“I’ll have an Americano as well. Venti, please,” he says politely, handing over his card to the cashier. The girl smiles blandly and swipes his card before handing it back, and grabs a cup for his order. With nothing else to hold him there, Yifan slowly moves over to the drinks counter, shoving his hands into his pant pockets.

After a few moments, a shoulder brushes against his, and he sweeps his lashes down to catch Lu Han’s smirking face. He’s seen Lu Han many times now on the Internet, pictures of his gaunt face turning round and healthy posted all over Weibo and Baidu, but it’s nothing compared to the reality. Lu Han looks happy.

Yifan finds himself grinning to match the look on Lu Han’s face. “Hey,” he offers, breaking the silence first this time. Lu Han creases his eyes at him, and the smirk softens.

“Hey.”


End file.
